For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
