one two three fourrrrnication!
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
