I am in a vortex of obligation.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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