I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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