he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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