: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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