So drunk its hurt
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
