fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
