I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
