Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
