it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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