look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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