What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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