Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
