My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
