My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
