I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
