I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
