I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
