Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
