I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
