I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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