I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So much Jack, so little girl.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
