I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
