i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
