She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
