Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
