Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
