please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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