they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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