My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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