Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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