Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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