I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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