so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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