Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
