No stitches, just platelets and will power
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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