This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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