Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
