Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
