Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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