you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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