Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
