Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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