There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
