hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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