Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
only you would photoshop your dick
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
