oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
