Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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