I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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