I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
